Garden Laws

  • Thou shalt not step on my freshly dug over bed.. (or in my mind you will die).
  • Thou shalt remove hoed out weeds from the bed, not leave them on the surface. (This is Ireland! They will merely grow roots again and become even stronger!)
  • Thou shalt rake up the small piddly bits out of the gravel when you’re done picking up piles of detritus.. you will use your hands to manually pick out the tiniest pieces if you have to. (Or in my mind you will die).
  • Thou shalt not make incessant bone-wearingly, mundane mumblefuckery small-talk if you find yourself working with me…
  • Thou shalt NOT FUCKING LEAVE THE GRASS ON THE BED AFTER EDGING THE BORDER! It will not decay into the bed, it will merely turn yellow and shit, meaning ALL anyone will see is YELLOW SHIT GRASS THAT SOME FUCKER COULDN’T BE BOTHERED PICKING UP!.. (in my mind you die the most horrible of deaths, involving ropes and pulleys and spiky hammers and only barely sharp axes).
  • Thou shalt harvest cut flowers by cutting them from the base of the plant, not just anywhere randomly along the stem. (you twat!)
  • Thou shalt not just leave piles of weeds for other people to pick up when they find it a week later… *frustrated sighing
  • Thou shalt NOT JUST HOE THE GRASS INTO A PILE AND HIDE IT UNDER THE NEAREST HOSTA LEAF AFTER EDGING… (fucksake).
  • Thou shalt not move my seed trays off the bench in preference for drying fucking onions!
  • You! You! Yeh, whoever you were! THOU SHALT NOT SHIT IN THE CROOK OF THE ROOTS OF THE YEW TREE! Covering it up with tissue will not hide it, it merely means that I will go to tidy it up and smear my hand in your shite! YOU UTTER, UTTER BASTARD!…
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