*Lonnng sigh. It’s difficult when you’re naturally inclined to introversion. Over my thirty something years I’ve finally learned how to get on with people, interact, have a conversation, a laugh, share my ideas and also learned the vital knowledge that it is OK to share silence sometimes. When I was younger I was always so worried about always having to interact when in company, as a result I’ve spent much of my life in a state of major anxiety and self doubt, since I was blatantly annoying to some people sometimes and invariably would just talk utter shit, just to fill a space. I still have awkward moments when in ‘new’ company and to be honest, I’m deeply socially inept.
I’m blessed then to have found a career in horticulture, which by its nature involves much peace and even luckier for me is the fact that my colleagues are easy to get along with and I know them (and them I) so well now that the silences that sometimes occur between us at lunch-times and tea-breaks are actually quite soul affirming, each of us quietly dwelling in our own thoughts, respecting each others meditation by not trying to fill the space with forced noise. That’s why students are typically quite tedious to cope with, because there’s not many people who ‘get’ silence. People new to a situation take silence as a personal affront.. ‘I must be doing something wrong, they hate me, I’m rubbish, they’re cliquey, .. ghaaahhhh.. blah blah blah..’
And so, now we have a new guy working part time. I know him, consider him a good mate, he’s a proper laugh, good grafter, decent human, … but he played music off his phone on portable speakers this lunchtime.. and I squinted… I love music in the evenings, week-ends, etc, but somehow, I feel my time working in the garden is almost like a sacred act, even at lunch, quiet or interesting conversation full of space to think seems to be a natural flow to the day. Suddenly the day became fragmented with an energy that jarred with my mind-set.
No one else seemed to mind though, so I realise this is probably a personal, anally retentive, annoyance..